Falling temperature

             

                  Winter came creepily; initially they didn’t bother to notice it but then the mild change in weather came to an extent which was affecting their routine life potently .Temperature was falling, so does their relationship. They couldn’t sense the little numbness; the little cold in their relationship may lead to end of a beautiful story. Promises of spring froze in chill of winter. December doesn’t come abruptly, it came after passing through October-November, and they must have sensed the changing temperature, changing priorities.

            
                There may be many reason of monotonousness in a stable relation (stable perhaps exaggerate). Thing lost its value when gained, dream seems beautiful till when it’s not achieved,  once you catch it, it become reality and reality no matter how enchanting at distance is always different when close.
                    “Work is the death mask of its conception”
someone said, which is indeed very true.

             Year end is a time to introspect all the good-bad deed of whole year,  people regret of their harsh words  which could be certainly avoided by smile but the problem is now people are forgetting how to smile.
Perplexed, helpless both, introspecting where did they took wrong turn, but failed to identify their flaws because both were wearing eye-wear of Ego. Boy lost in his thoughts was thinking from his frame of reference , in quilt he was not feeling warmth but he knew that’s  not the reason of his uneasiness ,something else was bothering him. Year will in end in couple of minutes and he will have some regret of lifetime. Restless he opened his diary and tried to pen down his agony, in hope writing will help, it will make feel better but words deceived him, hands refused to write .he felt like something was slipping from his hands, with the freezing temperature something else also freezing .

                     Only three pegs of scotch were left and it was too late to go outside, and he was not even willing to go. One large peg “on the rocks”, couldn’t help him much but somehow increased intensity of thoughts. He checked phone, many messages but not from the one whom he desired for. He made another peg and gulp it slowly and lost in thoughts. Phone beeps; He checked no any message from her yet, lot of messages from others. People wishing happy New Year in advance but for him there was nothing like to celebrate. He remember Amir khusrow couplet and smiled fakely
                 “jis saawan me piya ghar  nahi aag lage aise saavan ko”
Then he typed a sorry message, or last message of year, but didn’t send not because of ego but because of guilt. Phone beeps; he ignored this time, without checking the sender and put phone on silent mode and made final peg gulped in a single sip. Lost in thoughts, blurred images,  smiling face, broken premises, good-bad all memories of year, with heavy head he fall asleep.

On the other hand girls was lying on her bed, outside people were busy in welcoming new year,  sleepless she was turning her side , frozen temperature, chocked voice , phone in hand. She checking messages, no one from him, she thought of typing but something inside resisting her back from texting .finally she put some courage and typed message, no any reply, she waited for some time. Glared at ceiling, watching the chandelier she felt it will come over  her, it made her little frightened.  One more message she typed, blurring hope, no reply from other side. Heart sinking,  she picked phone , fingers ran across dialing pad and called after sometime,  tear rolled down  her cheeks no any response yet, cinches fists , lump in throat ,  she tried to stop her sob but couldn’t stop for long.
She then cried, cried a lot and finally stopped when she felt it’s light from inside now. She took a deep breath and glared at chandelier this time it wasn’t freighting her. She turned off her phone. She dumped deep the guilt and make herself believe to be strong like a rock.

Next day newspaper was full of news how worldwide people welcomed New Year, with news that thirty first was the coldest night of the year past, temperature dipped to new low. Every news were there but not with the news that somewhere for two souls it was not time to thank past year but to curse , that temperature in relationship too  dipped to low.

Time pause

It took me a long time to pen down this new blog post.

Though, its rough draft was completed long ago, I could not find the energy and enthusiasm required.
Whether the world has really changed or it’s my hands who are not allowing me to write.

There are some things that go unnoticed. We are blind to it because they are so ordinary. And we miss the tremendous beauty they possess and the immense life they have.

This story is about an ordinary college going couple, perhaps I should say, a post-graduation college couple. This is the time when the maturity arises and the divinity of love struggles with the practicality of life and the other mean ideas.

-

Her tastes changed in past few weeks. And so did her mood. Once, a cheerful soul now turned into a stoic behavioral sedate. Though this change was not in her nature, she thrust it upon herself. The artificialness, killing her. A Scotch lover, turned a teetotaler and hot coffee lover. Agatha reader into a Kafka admirer, a rap listener to a NFAK fan, listening qawwalis (if you know what I mean).

She shared her apartment with two other girls. They were nice to her. They all were psychology students. But, studies can’t teach everything! Somethings are to be learnt only from experience, betrayal or maybe both.

Hot coffee was prepared by one of her friend when she was detangling the cord of her earphones. As if, by doing this she would be able to 'detangle' her entangled relationship. Hope is fatal disease. And she was very much 'suffering' from it.

She was browsing the playlist anonymously. Suddenly, phone rang. Her eyes sparked as if she was waiting for this call only. Holding her breath, she picked up the call. Conversation started happily but soon moved to same prosaic topics. None of them was speaking what they really wanted to or what they should have, in order to save their drowning relationship. Rather, they were speculating how happily the other one is living.

No one was to blame. Blame should be on time only. Both wanted to say something but they were resisting themselves.

           

                     अना (ego) बा-जिद है के रूठने वाले को जाने दो

कोई अन्दर से कहता है के मना लेते तो अच्छा था

Both were expecting 'the three words' which would melt the coldness of their relationship. Sometimes, by speaking few words one can free himself from guilt. The burden of unspoken words cant be borne for long. Freedom is close to silence but it is not the silence itself.

Meanwhile, the coffee lying near her was getting cold. She continued to detangle the cord but now with some agony. There were days when she use to play with cord with her fingers smilingly, while talking on phone but this times she was neither playing nor smiling. Monotonous talks continued. Both were tired of bearing the burden of unspoken words, so they preferred to remain silent.

The last thing I remember was, one of them uttered the three magical words (which you should speculate by yourselves). And finally the “Ice melted”. There was silence again but this time, it was the silence of peace. Silence of completeness. Time stood still. The time period in which the coffee turned cold and a severely entangled chord detangled and the snow of relationship melted was all same.

They were breathing fast. Time stood still only for these two people in the entire universe. The world was same as before but the two souls were not the same.

The call was disconnected after sometime. A friend of her asked for earphones. She thought for some moment and reluctantly gave her earphones. When she came to her senses, she tried to figure out why she took time to give earphones. The time pause in which some memories awoke was the time she took in passing earphones.

A friend of her reminded her of coffee that got cold. She asked her if she should prepare a new cup for her. But she denied, saying “yes, the coffee is turning cold because the snow melted”. Giving her earphones she got up smilingly.

Other perhaps couldn’t understand what she said but we do perhaps. 

Those whom we like

   

"Those whom we like, we never get courage and strength to write about them."

It is a line written somewhere in my draft posts. Which is, well, very true (atleast in my case). I never write about Those whom I like completely. Why? Firstly, I feel that their beauty will shimmer, if ever I tried to describe them through my writings. I don't possess writing skills which could portray the special people of my life. Also, If I write them out completely, then what would I think about in my gloomy days?

Some torments should be eternal I think, so does some memories.  There should be some space for thoughts. Some memories unwritten or some memories not shared with anyone, but just placed in a deep corner of heart, which some day strikes and we remember a past shared with a special person, a sweet bitter smile of unrequited love or may be a laughter shared with a close friend. Yes, life is always present in those memories. It never dies.

Life, always a one way road, we can’t go backward, sometimes close ones are left behind but we move forward (we have to) with more pace or they leave us in mid way but journey have to completed. With or without them. What kind of journey is it? What is the purpose of such journey when we don't have our true, desired or prayed companions beside us? Full of compromises life is! Wouldn't it be better if those people, for whom our heart has a special place, should always be present with us in our life long journey? But does it happen? NO! a big NO!

People come and go and nobody else can replace anybody else. Our heart is huge, very huge, it has a place for everyone, but always a special place for a special person, it never replace, it never vanishes, (if not you then your memory will reside there eternally).

Love is like a radioactive substance it can decay but never vanish completely. Just depends whether your love is uranium, which take thousands of year to decay or carbon isotopes which take few days to decay. But indeed “first love is like uranium.”

Writing after a long time, just second blog post in this whole year and perhaps last of the year.  Though, there were some reasons to write but I didn't. Had no courage, no strength to write. Hopelessness is bad, But thanks to people who like to read (me). Some promises, thus writing, some people, thus writing, some torments thus writing, some memories thus writing.

Adieus to 2013

                                 "जाते हुए लोगों को रोका नहीं करते, साल को भी नहीं"

Looking ahead! Adieus to 2013, its bitter memories and some sweet ones too... This year also shall pass, and especially this year “2013” should. I don't know why we think that if a year changes, our problems would also change or vanish? Does it happen really..?  Perhaps no. But I want to sound hopeful this time, so I am assuring myself falsely. I can remember vividly, for 2011-12, I wrote “Past year was Dickens-ian (the best of time and the worst of time)” but I cannot write this for this year. Not for 2013. There should be a year for making mistakes, loosing grip over life, defeat, survival and conflicts… And this year was indeed full of these.

Again… realizing how unpredictable life is, I hadn't anticipated a year that could be such a waste. As if I just woke up from a deep comatose and a year passed and I could do nothing.

"Idleness makes hours pass slowly and years swiftly

Activity makes the hour seem short and the years long…"

as said by Cesare Paverse in a poem. Well,  I shouldn't label this year as a complete waste, got much awaited degree this year, learned some lessons, although that would be consider learned only if I don't repeat the same “mistake” again.

This year, I met some new people, some close ones became acquaintances, lost some old ones, and yes, a conflict ended or can I say, I gathered enough courage to accept the end. An end, to years of waiting for the dreams to become real. An end is always painful but what else could I do?

“All that” was supposed to end someday and that someday was in this past year. For how long one can dwell in the past over the same thoughts? And after all, I believe things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end. And at times not in the way we expect. But they do come certainly. So I will wait.

Ups and downs are a part of life, I shouldn't disdain any single person or a thing, everybody have their own different role in this unscripted drama called life, where nobody is protagonist but all act in a chorus. Every person have some blank spaces to fill in. And, it is up to us what we fill; happiness or sorrow. But, the point is, we should keep moving, despite every obstacle. I tried but I failed.

Then I lost hope and I sat idle. And that is the reason I am cursing this year, I tried but was caged in my own thoughts, conflicts. They say taste of victory is sweeter when we’ve just tasted defeat. So I hope I’ll see good things may be this time.

       Introspective time is quite painful and embarrassing too! So I’ll stop it. And now I am feeling like this year wasn't not that bad or a waste (well, after writing all this). I can say finally;

“Enjoy yourself!

 These are the "good old" days.

You are going to miss in the year ahead

Amen!”

            

Grave of memories

        There should be a place where we can bury all over our griefs, all our problems, tensions or should be a place like black hole , you know black hole, a celestial object whose gravitational field is so strong that  even light cant came back from it,  where once entered there is no escape,  some people  are also like  black hole ,whom after meeting we forget our identity or they forcefully snatch our's.

     "Kuch ghar aise hote hai jahan ek bar koi chala jaye to wapas nhi aata "

      I  am in search of that house ,whenever i will found such  i will bury some of my memories ( of your's) , but what  if those memories start fighting within themselves , every memory belongs to different person but would be placed in same places, . Achha, do tell if any rivalry person's grave are  at same place do their soul live in rest or they continue to fight , we always says rest in peace, do they really rest in peace or their peace already snatched away.
      Will your memories live in peace with someone else's or will you fight with them, i heard  kinship may develop even in enemies if the faces same atrocities but you are quite diplomatic i know it very well,  you always pretend like everything is fine or you not aware of the convoluted things.The day when i will left your memories with her you would promise me that you will live in peace but i know you wont , and very soon i will be aware of it, you know why , because at that time I would also there, a part of mine would be there, resting on pillow of your old  memories, tough tormented .
Addiction could be of anything , could be of dwelling in past too , can pass morning to evening thinking on same thought  because its never ending  I know many thing faded with time, but still lies something somewhere in dark corner of heart, this 300 grams muscle called heart. It have something, it have entire universe in itself , it have single person's memory to a whole world's .

Chalo, aj kuch to positive likha, bahut sikayte the pessimisttic likhne ki. See magic of your memories.

Random Thoughts

        Just for a moment, a gaze so firm ,so  furious, burning eyes, of agony,of  anger, disappointment too,  all together, this is what i can see right now. God forbid.  can remember Japanese legend writer  Murakami         "In a sense, I'am the one who ruined me. I did it myself"
     So life is unpredictable proving day by day ,every step of mine like speculation.  Today writing is just releasing   anger and stress and it should be like this, if not always then at least for some time. How therapeutic it is when writing without thinking of any reader, just writing like an open diary, never had thought i can  release stress with  punch on keys , this poison called anger.
     When fight is between you and only you, the toughest one, but this too was destined to do ,when anarchy isn't only outside but within inside , when chaos isn't just of images but of thoughts too,  conflicts  in every  thought ,but  this is transformation. This process makes you to survive in  more harsh situation, making you to believe  in unveiled strength of yourself ...
In book "The Alchemist " the Shepard  boy realizes real treasure wasn't  in far  pyramids of Egypt  nor in church or fields of Spain  but in the voyage , in pursuit of treasure all the obstacle he met , all the lesson he learn ,treasure was the memories of happiness and sorrow , the journey itself  was treasure,  same  true for all of us too , but sometimes we forget this or our gaze disillusioned .
Sometimes there is nothing called good or bad , right or wrong  all are just different aspects of same thing, all are just right in their own perspectives,  who we are to blame ,who we are to judge them , its only time"s work and right , time not just heals but it justify. People arnt bad they are just different from us and we make our belief on base of our prejudices. when frame of reference changes things changes a lot, might be what i always believe is entirely different from truth, and that's why it is said "Truth is eternal ".

So far these are some random thought,  anger which is releasing through writing, some conflicts within me, its good asking yourself questions then suddenly getting all answers , things never remain same when  any drastic  happen  but slowly slowly it tries to come  on  same path again, what we thinks   in childhood we found ourselves surrounding with same  in old age. because in end we again came back to starting point, as like in race it's end is the same starting point .its just circle, eventually we came back from where we starts. All Napolian came back to their roots, we will also, after wandering a lot, we  will also on same track perhaps at end. Till then just enjoy the journey. 

Abstract Of september

                 "Likhne ya na likhne ke confusion se bachne ka ek hi tareeka ho sakta h ; likh dena fir chahe kachra hi kyun na likha ho" .
 Same should be in life too , just take any initiative than to stick in dilemmas , might be  that decision turn adverse  ; nonetheless  take decision  it need  courage. Taking right step is best but even taking wrong step is  not  as bad as not taking at all and we don't get any straight choice, as  "Life ...the way it really - is a battle not between good and bad but between bad and worse " (Brodsky) .
                 khair ,  Fulfilling promise arnt that easy ...Don't know  what's happening with me but I am not able to write , why...,don't know "Perhaps liking/loving anything to such extent that even you cant get  that  "
life...There  is no any specific tool to require to pen down thoughts just a pen, diary (in my case register as i write in register )and isolate place. earlier at terrace i could pen down  easily or late night in room. Such time also came when i had wrote in crowded place like cafe shop, fly over, who cares when you around all unknown people. Yeah there  a restless to write but i am still stranded at a place where one part of mine feels to  write , but other one denying  neither body have strength nor mind have thoughts , poor me ...Ohh, whiskey you are really affecting my body CNS...trembling hands.
             Procrastination is a different thing ,but when heart really wants to write no matter how lazy are, you still gather some courage . There  should be any reason to write, else it got tough to pen down, don't know if  we called that as inspiration, that could be anything  nostalgia ,past dreams , regrets, some memories rest nothing  but needed.  there lies  a person or dream whom we can write eternally, you know why because we wont get them, we can only dream of them, Unrequited love are eternal. "The sweetest songs are those that tell that the saddest tales".
"Adhure Khawab ache lagte hai"  maybe life too,  someday we would like this , but wouldn't adopt it , accept it completely, there always  remain  a thrust for completeness which is unattainable, Perfaction is unattainable, things should accept it as like they are life too , person too.

           Life  don't know what exactly it is , what day add in it, what night, what rain, what memories, person;  this blend is too complex . To understand furnace of God is not easy , so let it be as it is, engineering don't teaches every manufacture process.  I afraid very soon this blog will turn into an open diary of mine, as nothing to post special , anything different   , just posting old  written work
but

"We write to taste life twice"